145: burning the midnight oil... hopefully i can wake up for school tomorrow

I just finished watching this drama series, and it taught me a lot on relationships, like the super basic stuff... its not that deep.. its more of a slap in the face
so here it is!

even if we were to be in a relationship wed lose interest of each other once we see each others faults.
relationships are scary in a different way
love makes you a coward
it will reveal everything about you, your faults, and your complexes... everything

that's why in dramas, the good best friend type of guy does not always win since the girl already knows all the other guys faults so his good points are enhanced (the other guy being the stubborn type of guy who's usually the protagonist of the story)

but instead of being scared of being with someone cause it wont last, the true fear is of losing someone because you haven't overcome your personal fear nor have you made a move to do so. imagine a life without the person you love.

xxx
Aya Ōmasa

144: hey soul sister

I found this website that lets you anonymously talk to strangers online (like a chat thing)
It got me thinking about loads of stuff...
like.. theres this one time when one of them talked to me and was like, this is an anonymous chat and you'll never see me again for the rest of your life so tell me your deepest darkest secret.

i did btw.

and that person just said ok and left the convo.

but then that got me thinking..to that person I'm a stranger as well... and why did they want to know my secret anyway?
and theres the whole thing about being a STRANGER.
no one knows me, no one knows i'm lying, i can be anyone i want to be.
but that goes for them as well.. they can think im a complete idiot for believing whatever crap they say.
at first i just began talking crap like saying random things like I'M A NINJA and see how they reacted.
there was even one time when i talked japanese.
i got so many reactions.
then this got me thinking... on the other side, through all the lies and hidden identities there IS a living thing there.
and that goes for me too! I am a life too! but they dont know that, i mean they do... but they wont know me know me, so if i tell the truth it could still be a lie, and when i lie it might as well be the truth. they'll never know. yet when i type and talk, why do i feel like i still have that feeling, that i cant say it. my secret. or that im scared to show my identity. there is that whole trust issue. like, what if i actually thought this person was friendly, but like... was only pretending?
theres that whole feeling of betrayal as well.
but... its still fun.. like..
once i got used to the whole system i started saying motivational things like THIS IS IT. THIS IS YOUR SIGN TO GO FOR IT!
or THIS IS YOUR SLAP IN THE FACE. GO FOR IT!
And then I'll quickly exit so they dont have to reply. hopefully it cheered people up.
then it got me thinking... like i wanna hear peoples voices.
so i asked them things like what is the thing you love most in your life?
some people said things like, music, friends, family. (one even said photography!)
then there are those who are random and go DINASAURS
then there are the rude ones that go , I get to fuck
and then there are those who are just easy going and say; the fact that you came into it :D or everything :)

its so interesting.... that there are these lives we are unaware of. they are there! just, unnoticed they live they're path in the world they see.

one of the replies i got was i dont believe in love.
i hope i was able to change that persons life.

I want to use this to help change peoples life!
imagine... its like.. fate we met..
i mean apart from those rude bastards that just go on to find a lame way to get laid and fuck on the net. but STILL its fate we met!

this is one of the best things ive found my whole life!
i get to meet people without really meeting them!

i met so much nice people :):):)

it sucks that as soon as i close that window, theres no way to meet them again.

xxx

Maki Horikita

143: this is an unposted post..

I'm sick today :( Yesterday I had an epiphany in the shower, after the shower I ended up sleeping with wet hair. I guess this sickness is a sort of payment. Anyway, what was my epiphany? I cant really tell for sure how important it is now... it seems so distantly in the past. I feel like I've been reborn into something that is completely different from what I was before. I feel like after solving this "issue" something else comes up in my life that I have to solve, so it sort of feels like I cant just sit around and keep thinking of that which has already passed and been solved?

One of my current issues now is the whole ADDICTION TO JAPANESE STUFF.
Its been 3 years since I was addicted.

Those who want to protect something are weak, but you know, people who dont want to protect anything, no matter how strong they are, won't win in the end.
xxx
Miura Haruma

142: LAN

Yes. Today I went to LAN

Happy chinese new year btw. to all those who celeberate. to all those that dont happy valentines day!

so anyway... I went to LAN! CNY celeberation in school ended at 11 so after that I hung out with Nikki, Krish, Alethea, Charlene, Ryan, Bennett, Yuru, VIkesh and Mccoy. We played counter strike. It's actually really hard. Marcus is the PRO at this (apparently.. I havent seen him play yet.. And if I did I probably wont be able to tell) I didnt book a computer (too scared) so I ended up just taking turns with Charlene (fellow noob) Alethea and Mccoy. I got bored cause the rest started to play Left for dead (nicknamed 4D, i keep forgetting.. so im always like huh?) that was more zombies, so Charlene didnt want to play so I ended up playing Call of duty (which I kicked ass in... since its a solo game..) Then Charlene and Alethea went on facebook then I just ended up behind Bennett the rest of the time watching what he does. (Which is completely fine :D:D)
Then we went to eat at mcdonalds, me and Charlene went to red mango to get frozen yo.
We then met up with the DOTA crew, consisting of Lip, John, Daniel, KW and other people... Daniel KW and John decided to come with us to watch a movie. The movie started much later so we had loads of slack time. We hung out at the basement of cathay (proffessionally avoiding viewing distance of people from my job that has completely forgotten about me and still hasnt paid me...) Everyone borrowed money from me -_-" so a lot of people owe me money on wednesday -_- shit they're never gonna pay me back huh... as in right away -_-... anyway I had loads of fun :D:D so it was worth it. We watched Lightning Theif, whcih wasnt so bad. I got to sit next to Bennett :D:D yay. Everyone was so nice and it really felt like I was part of something :D:D I loved it.

What happened to Anisha?

Janis's birthday

oh yeah.. happy birthday...

xxx
Chinen Yuri

141: The second first day.

I have finaly bought a 2010journal. It is yellow like my wallet.
I went out with anisha, janis and zoomoogoo (Tsumugu)today. It was fun! :D:D
we went around taking pictures of people in their workplace for portrait project. It was really annoying and got me super pissed off how there are loads of impolite people out there!! Like that asshole in the LAN game place. that shithole smelt like pot, no wonder that ileterate bastard was so fucked up. dorky fucker. but there were loads of nice people too!! :D:D
like this lady in a guitar shop, she was so cute and adorable. she was so considerate, and the guy from subway, and the girl from the boardgame shop, and some people in cathay, and that dude from the magic shop, he did a magic trick to pose for the portrait :D what a guy.
we asked a lot of people, the feeling of rejecion sucked. it was like a slap in the face, but being allowed and accepted felt much more special thanks to fucked up pot smokers from LAN.

then janis left and me and anisha walked all the way to orchard cineleisure to take neoprints! :D It turned out awesome! but i hit my shin :( (which is now a painful bruise) I drank a banana milk shake and anisha had a donut. :D then we met up with tsumugu!
anisha went home cause shes lame, so me and tsumugu went around 313 and bought cold rock! (CAUSE HES NEVER HAD THEM BEFORE!) then we went to borders and bought my stuff, then we went to orange julius, then we went to the japanese bakery across borders and bought pudding :D:D:D then we went back to borders to go to the bus stop. :D what a simple yet interesting day :)

we had con malay on the roof again today :D
it was relaxing. wish i brought my camera :( (oh well plenty more opportunities! MUST bring it on anishas bday!)

which btw I have a perfect plan for :D
(anishas bday)

which no one else knows about. :D but who cares. as long as its not ruined.

especially by me. hopefully.

theres nothing to do online anymore, all my japanese goodies have gone, and i have no friends on facebook (actually its just boring) playing games online feels more like a waste of time, and ive done so much homework that... i hope it was more interesting so i can do more.

damn i wish i had a scanner and put the neoprints up online, but i dont. life sucks that way.

i have no feelings today to say
thats why this post is dry
actually i have a lot of feelings to say
im to sleepy to be bothered

pangolins suck. im stuck with them, im saving them and i dont even see them, they better give me one of there scale things when im sick.
isnt it better to save human kind then pangolins
damn justine your so selfish.
well screw you

xxx
Nakama Yukie

140: Life recycles itself

School life has begun once again. It only truly feels like a new year when school starts. Orientation has ended, the first two days were tiring, a slap in the face to prepare me for the rest of the year! I can't wait til school starts next week, but a bit scared. But whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. (Though I do expect to die of stress this year...)

School is so far a breeze and I try not to let my guard down and relax to much. Work shall punch me right in the gut sooner or later... next week.

So now for my inner most "thoughts and feelings"

I haven't bought a 2010 journal yet, although handwritten work feels more personal to me and much easier to express (although typing is much faster) I shall have to bare with it til I buy myself a new journal.

Some very significant events that has happened that I have been avoiding to express lately are:

1) Friends
2) Home life
3) Future

1: No other then Krish and Ramsay! These guys should get an award for being the most mentioned in my rants. Ramsay moved away, yes? And so he came back for the holidays, he didn't even contact me (which is understandable, I know I could contact him first... but there has to be a reason why he didn't call first. So it's kinda _____ hm.. to call him first... and plus he's with that annoying indian midget. If I called Krish will probably be like *laugh* it's Justine, oh dear, hang up. And the both of them would do some stupid prank and then tease me and calling first in the end will be POINTLESS)But then again... it could be my imagination... (or NOT)

So during orientation, Nikki, Pearl and I went to cathay to eat. Pearl called or Ramsay or Krish called her (something... they just contacted each other) and they decided to come to cathay as well to meet up. Then when they heard (actually saw... I saw them go down the escalator and saw us then go back up) that Nikki and I were there they called Pearl again and asked her to ditch us and go by herself to them. (Such nice people) And Pearl, being so nice, was able to convinve them to bring us, with her awesome skilz (Note:sarcastic)So in the end we were able to meet them..
While writing this I actually realised something. Pushing away the person you love isn't love. All this time, if I wanted to talk to him, I should've approached him first. It's most likely he's pissed at me for ignoring him. Sorry :( I should go up and talk to you. But, I'm scared to in front of people... Like, it feels weird, by going up to you like everyone else is... I feel like I'm just "everyone else" Sorry, but friends are allowed to be selfish arent they?

Today in school we had a mass game of ultimate ninja, it was the most fun I've had, the most included I've felt. Then after school I was able to hang out with some year ones. I'm so :) right now, knowing that I have friends outside my group. Though I still feel abit... out, though these people are the ones who accept me, so I shouldn't push them away right, just cause I'm scared to be judged by others and noticed or acknowledged by others that I'm friends with "that" group of people instead of "these" people. But actually, now, I'm REALLY glad I have friends, whether they really truly accept me, I should just accept them right? And selfishly find my own happiness.

2: Well every family has its issues dont they? Honestly I'm wondering myself why I'm not as bothered. Perhaps cause of that lingering thought in the back of my head that's become such a huge excuse to these problems keeping me safely intact to my sanity. But whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and whatever we overcome makes us closer.
Hopefully, this family can see the night sky filled with fireworks together once more.

3: And now the most scariest part of all... If I were to meet a fortune teller, I would honestly be speechless, and in fact be even more scared. I'm somewhat glad that I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, though it'll be nice to have an idea, a vision, a goal. I dont really have one. Well I do, mini ones. But, you know those really passionate people? Or those people that have a career "option" not exactly a dream or anything inspiring, but at least they have something in mind. Anyway, those passionate people and those that at least know where theyre going have a vision, and a "feeling" that this is the right choice, the choice that makes me the happiest, or something I'm satisfied with so I can earn some cash easily. Something like that right? But, even though I have goals, and usually when I have a goal I do work towards it. But these future goals, are so, ever changing. It never keeps still. It's like a tie-dyed colored puppy running around in my head. I have so many things I would love to do, that its hard to chose. And when I think of one that can get me all of what I want, and then I try to go towards it, my heat all of a sudden stops in a "this isnt a good idea," or "lets stop" way. Like "this isnt really your true feelings" Is it cause I'm scared of hard work? Or scared to make mistakeS? Or is it cause now that I know where to go, it feels like that path feels more blurry. Now that I have a goal, planning towards it is like a blank canvas. Which color do I add in first? What picture will I end up with? Although I am aiming to paint this picture, it definitely wont turn out exactly the same way, so I wonder...

OH well...
I hope I can be stronger and happier, more optimistic throughout the year. Maybe I should just not think about it so much. I should be more outspoken and sincere, I should stop calculating my actions, words, emotions. Hopefully I find the confidence somewhere. Cause I have a feeling that all these Japan things are kinda havinga bad effect on me, like making me more introverted.

yikes


xxx
Ueda Tatsuya

139: In 2009 I...

I confess that in 2009, I have...

(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x)celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else’s heart
(x) had a stalker (my dear Gelin ;D)
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) had a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
( ) done something you’ve regretted
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( )shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
( ) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
(x) threw a surprise party(mine counts?)
(x) laughed till you cried
(x) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…
( ) broke a promise
(x) lied
( ) went behind your parents back
( ) cried over a broken heart
( ) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
(x) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
(i'd love to though..) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
( ) sat home all day doing nothing
( ) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
(x) almost died
( ) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(gmaX) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(I'm not THAT stupid) stayed up till sunrise
(x)cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
( ) went to the beach with your bf/gf
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

xxx
Tanaka Koki