School is so far a breeze and I try not to let my guard down and relax to much. Work shall punch me right in the gut sooner or later... next week.
So now for my inner most "thoughts and feelings"
I haven't bought a 2010 journal yet, although handwritten work feels more personal to me and much easier to express (although typing is much faster) I shall have to bare with it til I buy myself a new journal.
Some very significant events that has happened that I have been avoiding to express lately are:
1) Friends
2) Home life
3) Future
1: No other then Krish and Ramsay! These guys should get an award for being the most mentioned in my rants. Ramsay moved away, yes? And so he came back for the holidays, he didn't even contact me (which is understandable, I know I could contact him first... but there has to be a reason why he didn't call first. So it's kinda _____ hm.. to call him first... and plus he's with that annoying indian midget. If I called Krish will probably be like *laugh* it's Justine, oh dear, hang up. And the both of them would do some stupid prank and then tease me and calling first in the end will be POINTLESS)But then again... it could be my imagination... (or NOT)
So during orientation, Nikki, Pearl and I went to cathay to eat. Pearl called or Ramsay or Krish called her (something... they just contacted each other) and they decided to come to cathay as well to meet up. Then when they heard (actually saw... I saw them go down the escalator and saw us then go back up) that Nikki and I were there they called Pearl again and asked her to ditch us and go by herself to them. (Such nice people) And Pearl, being so nice, was able to convinve them to bring us, with her awesome skilz (Note:sarcastic)So in the end we were able to meet them..
While writing this I actually realised something. Pushing away the person you love isn't love. All this time, if I wanted to talk to him, I should've approached him first. It's most likely he's pissed at me for ignoring him. Sorry :( I should go up and talk to you. But, I'm scared to in front of people... Like, it feels weird, by going up to you like everyone else is... I feel like I'm just "everyone else" Sorry, but friends are allowed to be selfish arent they?
Today in school we had a mass game of ultimate ninja, it was the most fun I've had, the most included I've felt. Then after school I was able to hang out with some year ones. I'm so :) right now, knowing that I have friends outside my group. Though I still feel abit... out, though these people are the ones who accept me, so I shouldn't push them away right, just cause I'm scared to be judged by others and noticed or acknowledged by others that I'm friends with "that" group of people instead of "these" people. But actually, now, I'm REALLY glad I have friends, whether they really truly accept me, I should just accept them right? And selfishly find my own happiness.
2: Well every family has its issues dont they? Honestly I'm wondering myself why I'm not as bothered. Perhaps cause of that lingering thought in the back of my head that's become such a huge excuse to these problems keeping me safely intact to my sanity. But whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and whatever we overcome makes us closer.
Hopefully, this family can see the night sky filled with fireworks together once more.
3: And now the most scariest part of all... If I were to meet a fortune teller, I would honestly be speechless, and in fact be even more scared. I'm somewhat glad that I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, though it'll be nice to have an idea, a vision, a goal. I dont really have one. Well I do, mini ones. But, you know those really passionate people? Or those people that have a career "option" not exactly a dream or anything inspiring, but at least they have something in mind. Anyway, those passionate people and those that at least know where theyre going have a vision, and a "feeling" that this is the right choice, the choice that makes me the happiest, or something I'm satisfied with so I can earn some cash easily. Something like that right? But, even though I have goals, and usually when I have a goal I do work towards it. But these future goals, are so, ever changing. It never keeps still. It's like a tie-dyed colored puppy running around in my head. I have so many things I would love to do, that its hard to chose. And when I think of one that can get me all of what I want, and then I try to go towards it, my heat all of a sudden stops in a "this isnt a good idea," or "lets stop" way. Like "this isnt really your true feelings" Is it cause I'm scared of hard work? Or scared to make mistakeS? Or is it cause now that I know where to go, it feels like that path feels more blurry. Now that I have a goal, planning towards it is like a blank canvas. Which color do I add in first? What picture will I end up with? Although I am aiming to paint this picture, it definitely wont turn out exactly the same way, so I wonder...
OH well...
I hope I can be stronger and happier, more optimistic throughout the year. Maybe I should just not think about it so much. I should be more outspoken and sincere, I should stop calculating my actions, words, emotions. Hopefully I find the confidence somewhere. Cause I have a feeling that all these Japan things are kinda havinga bad effect on me, like making me more introverted.
yikes
xxx
Ueda Tatsuya
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